Absent-minded ranting

Posted by on August 10, 2011 at 8:38 pm.

My girlfriend came to visit this past weekend, Thursday through Tuesday. It was wonderful to see her and we had a lot of fun, even though most of our planned activities got rained out. It was also the first time she had seen me perform my poetry in front of an audience, which actually made me a little nervous at the Poetry Jam on Thursday.

On Tuesday, I dropped her off at the airport before driving to work. Once I parked my car, I cursed myself for leaving the airport 10 minutes sooner than I had to — 10 more minutes I could have spent with Jean. And then I cried, knowing I won’t be seeing Jean for another two months. That made me glad I gave myself 10 minutes before I had to go into work.

When she called me last night to tell me she was arrived safely, she said that even though she was sad while leaving, she never cried. Instead, she thinks she’s getting used to the distance and the time apart, which makes it easier when we say goodbye. I wish I felt the same.

The longer this goes on, the longer we live halfway across the country from each other, the harder it gets for me to say goodbye. Maybe it’s because I blame myself for taking this job. Maybe it’s because there is nothing I want more than to finally, actually live in the same city as her and not have to live like a bum. I’ve always wanted to be an independent person, but now that I’m living as independently as I can imagine, I want nothing more than to depend on her.

We see so many people who are getting married and getting pregnant and moving forward with their lives together — sometimes stupidly — that I hate what’s happened to us. Sure, we’re doing what’s best for our careers and sure, it’s going to be better in the long run, but at least half of me wishes I had the strength to throw all that away. I’d give anything to be less smart and closer to her.

Honestly, while she was here, I felt like we did almost nothing. We went a few places and we saw a few people, but I can’t account for most of the hours of the weekend, which were spent sitting on the couch or watching movies or talking about nothing in particular. But I guess that was all I wanted.

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