All we can do is try…

Posted by on May 7, 2011 at 7:59 pm.

Time to dig up some things buried.  Relationships with friends, relationships with significant others; things can sometimes get messy.  I’ve had a few things come to mind in recent weeks in this area.  Besides those of us who are lucky or who simply do things right (more often than not), we’ve all lost a relationship with someone before.  Various things can happen in order to cause the demise of a friendship or deeper form of companionship.  In my own life, I’ve struggled with losing a few important girlfriends along the way–part of growing up, you might say.  There have been times that I’ve made amends with those once lost along the way, and then there is one unique opportunity that has continued to elude me.  Of course, this would be a case of the most important relationship with a significant other that I’ve ever had–a relationship lasting 4 years and being deeply invested in.

Times change and so do people in the process.  For this case study, change really was the catalyst completing the entire “reaction.”  I have a strong personality type that can carry with it some great strengths and even greater weaknesses.  College began to bring out some of the problematic weaknesses.  For me, undergraduate college was a serious time–a time for work to be done in order that dreams became realized.  I’d often work hard and involve myself with so many extracurricular activities that, eventually, those character weaknesses would expand.  Exhausted from study, volunteerism, or work, laziness would fester.  Craving social activity, a form of gluttony would reveal itself.  Focused so much on career-building for the future family I’d always desired, an immense selfishness would beg to be tended to.  My passions remained the same (so did the plan and process for attaining all of my goals), but something was missing.  It was self-sacrifice, and its absence was what drove her away (my “adolescent love”).

Classical Greeks used a word called agape to represent a type of love that is “all-consuming,” a way of being that epitomizes self-sacrifice devoted to another’s well being.  Over the centuries, this term has been appropriated to Christian theology and the love of Jesus Christ (and God) for mankind.  In college, I didn’t have the gift of agape.  Not even close…  These days I am striving to learn it, to attain it as virtue, but old habits do die hard and I continue to fall short–for now.  As a result of this psychological pursuit, I recently made an attempt to “mend fences” with my adolescent love now lost.

It’s been two whole years since our relationship reached a traumatic conclusion.  There was betrayal involved, derision, disrespect, and a growing polarity of opposition between both parties.  We both felt like the victims of disorder and “crime.”  I felt victimized by physical and mental betrayal, and she felt victimized by sensed emotional abuses.  I believe that the poor state of my spirituality also didn’t lend much assistance at all, during this rough time.  Go figure.  After working day after day, from two years ago to the present, I’ve tried to make changes to improve myself and help prevent future character faults from reaching their potentials for devastation ever again.  My attempt to mend the fences came in the form of two letters of apology–one to her and another to her mother (out of respect).

Spatial, social, and temporal circumstances have suppressed any form of a face-to-face interaction, which isn’t the way I like things.  Having felt her animosity and anger regarding the many means to our end, I felt that these letters were the least that I could do.  After gaining some courage and recalling plenty of underlying spiritual convictions, I chose to mail them out.  I waited for almost three weeks; it felt like forever.  It was nerve-wrecking and painstakingly horrifying.  Living, temporarily, in northern California, I decided to make my permanent home address in Illinois the return option (expecting a response).

About a week ago, during my regular catch-up with the parents, my father brings the news of my mailbox… the letters I had written with so much feeling, care, and sincerity were returned… The envelope wasn’t even opened.  That has struck me in a profoundly tragic way.  My apologies were sincere and heartfelt.  It would be so relieving to receive forgiveness.  Sending the letters at all was as about audacious as I can get.  My motivations months ago were: “it’s never too late to say that you’re sorry,” “forgiveness is everything,” and “it’s better late than never.”  After getting the unopened letters back, I almost feel as though maybe it is too late–maybe there are no more opportunities to grant us rational closure.

Either way, I made a conscious, honest effort to reach out.  An effort alone apparently can’t persuade people to even take a look these days.  I made an attempt, and I believe that it’s all that I can do for now, until a real opportunity (if ever) decides to arise.  In the meantime, I’ll continue to reach out in hopes of grafting agape to myself–sacrificing my pride and dissidence for the benefit of another.  Perhaps the courage and humility that drove me to even send the letters in the first place will give me the necessary ability to rise to the next occasion.

One Comment

  • DRM says:

    You mentioned that you’d like me to critique your “blogsmanship,” but I really don’t know what to say… it’s so raw and emotional and true— exactly what #Life should be. hugs.

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